So I joined a website for Big Beautiful People to kinda dip my toes back into the dating pool. Let's just say there are sharks in them there waters! Here are the horrendous details in no specific order:

Ass #1-My name is idiot!

He sends me a very nice message. I message back. He messages back. He gives me his number and his email and we text a few times. He wants to make arrangements to call me at a later time (after 9 pm guess he doesn't want to waste his minutes). So he calls and we have a pleasant conversation and he wants me to send some pictures. I go to find his message that has his email address and realize that I have erased all of my messages on the site. So I send him the following text message:

Assalicious: Houston, we have a problem! I have deleted all my messages and no longer have your email address. Can you send it to me?

A few minutes pass and I receive the following text back:

IANH: My name is NOT Houston. It's Sharif. I think you are talking to too many guys and that is why I don't text or talk online. Sadly, the guy was serious. *sigh*

Ass #2-Wait? You aren't 120 pounds? My bad!

He sends me a lovely message. I send a message back. We email back and forth for two days. Then he wants to speak on the phone. We have a lovely conversation and he wants to see pictures of me head to toe. Mind you this site is a Big and Beautiful site. I received the following email:

Hi Assalicious..Got the photos..Thanks!....It does pain me slightly to tell u that this may not work....Yes..it is more than a coincidence that i have leaned toward this decision after seeing the photos..I will not denty that..Plus the distance is definetely an issue...I truly enjoyed our conversation last night..and wish u all the best..Take Care ..The Ass

Good God! Talk about a blow to the self esteem. I politely emailed back...Good Luck.

Ass #3-Moldy Octopus Santa Claus

This guy's profile really caught my eye. It was very witty so I sent a message. He replied back. It moved to the phone with us texting and then talking. It happened that I was going to be in a town about 15 minutes from him (3.5 hours away for me)for a doctor's appointment. What a coincidence, right??? This is fate or karma! It just has to be. So I sort of start getting weird vibes. He starts dropping comments about sex and I sort of gloss over them and try to keep the conversation PG-13.

Being so close I figured it would be cool to meet up and see if we have a physical attraction. So we talk and text on my trip to the really close town. Signal from Verizon sucks! I dropped calls and texts would take forever to get through. We agreed to meet up after my appointment. I send a message that I am done and he's already there in the parking lot. The guy is MUCH larger than I thought, but I'm still like let's go talk and get to know each other. He has me follow him to a parking lot by a school close by. I get out of my HHR and before I bat an eyelash this guy has his tongue in my mouth and his hands on my ass.

He's just gone to the barber and had his mustache and goatee trimmed. They smell like mold. He resembles Santa Claus and is even bald. He's wearing a sweatshirt that looks like moths have made a meal of it for days on end. I try to be polite and talk, but I'm spending the majority of my time fighting off the 8 hands he has. All he talks about is going to his house and having sex, me performing oral sex on him, or he on me, and how he has issues with obtaining an erection, but that it's okay if I climb on top because then it stays harder.

He keeps telling me that we need to get together on Friday and that he can come visit. I keep making excuses and finally I leave. He calls me on my way home and proceeds to tell me about a wine tasting restaurant we have to go to and this reminds him of a story he must share with me about a woman he dated who when she drank wine became a kinkmeister in bed. She was begging him to stick a wine bottle up her ass and he explained in graphic detail what he did. My mind is numb by now and I have no words. Luckily my cell phone battery died and I do not have a car charger.

Where is the bleach for my brain? This is why I will be keeping my toes out of the dating pool. It's scary as hell out there!

Someone slow my life down please! It seems to be stuck in fast forward. Monkey is 12. The LMC will be 18 this month and Lizard will be able to get her driver's license soon. Where in the hell did my babies go? I can honestly remember each and every one of their births. It just doesn't feel right knowing my son will soon be able to vote and register in the Selective Service or that he will be heading off to college in a few short months. Am I really this old? *sigh* I must be! Work is work.

I enjoy my job with the state. It's unlike any kind of work I've ever done. I enjoy having an office and one day I hope to be able to decorate it and make it really mine. I'm kinda waiting for my 6 months to be done. Don't wanna jinx it.

Had to call in today. Lizard woke up with some wicked jaw pain. Dentist says she is stressed and clenching her jaw when she sleeps. We are also having to watch some patches in her mouth for any changes as they could be precursors to cancerous lesions. She apparently has been chewing on the insides of her cheeks. I think we both need a massage!

Monkey is becoming quite the little pain. Love that child, but her mouth is going to end up getting her into so much trouble she might never see her cell phone, tv, or the computer ever again. She is definitely her mother's daughter.

The LMC has changed so damn much. He's still playing football, but for a different high school. Hell, it's for a different state even. He's HUGE! Proud of all the effort he is putting in.

Like I said, life is steamrolling ahead. I need to document it more so I have something to look back on!

Well.....It's been a few weeks errr months. LoL I'm still working. I love my job with the state. I hate working at the hospital here, but it's a necessity. Being a single mom is quite expensive. Especially when the kids turn into teenagers needing "THINGS"! Sheesh! My oldest graduates this coming year. That in itself is going to cost me a bundle. Then I have another turning 16 years old. Holy crap, when did I get so old? Snuck up on me, I swear. Have started talking to a really great guy. I am digging him, but not going to get too caught up. Going to take it slow and easy. I do have to say he is unlike any other guy I've been in a relationship with and that is a definite positive. LoL We'll see where it goes and if it doesn't, I am so okay with that too! Still need to post the pictures of casa de Shawna! I'll do that soon!

Love, peace, and chicken grease y'all!

I am on day 8 of 61 straight. I'll hopefully see you all July 3rd! LoL

I am determined to be financially stable by the end of this year. And by gum, when I set out to do something, I do it! Now I just have to set up a plan and actually stick to it! Cross those fingers people, it's about to get ugly up in here!

The Lizard and I

Who knew that going to Buffalo Wild Wings on a Saturday night with your 15 year old daughter could be so eye opening? The Lizard and I went and had a lovely dinner of boneless wings, shrimp, and ribs. We also enjoyed the chili con queso and a scrumptious chocolate cake. But the Pièce de résistance (there's that French stuff again) was the extremely large amount of men in the joint. We went because of the NBA playoffs, but apparently it was more important that a UFC fight was on. I've watched UFC on TV and have even watched it in person. My ex-husband was totally enamored of a local gym owner who taught MMA fighting when we were together and I went to a fight the owner put on. It was interesting for sure, but nothing like what is on TV. Tonight's fights were intense and I found myself yelling and cussing along with the fellas. I do suffer from potty mouth. It's something I warn prospective dates prior to assaulting them with my verbage. So not only did we have eye candy in the form of a male to female ratio in the restaurant of 15/1, but we also had scantily clad males that were all sweaty rolling around on the floor with other scantily clad males doing maneuvers with names like "rear naked choke" which is a submission hold. Sounds really kinky to me and I thorougly enjoyed it!

Waited to post this until I had some time and the picture available.

On October 30th, this ravishing beauty turned 15 years old. As the saying goes, a daughter starts out a little girl and becomes a friend. This young woman is really starting to turn heads as she rightfully should. She is not only beautiful on the outside, but she is even more beautiful on the inside. She is intelligent, witty, hilarious, and looks so much like me that people swear that we are twins (Thank God she loves looking like me or this could get ugly! :) I am so proud of her. She's been through a lot in her 15 years gracing this planet, but she has such a strength and wisdom about her that belies her age. I'm the luckiest mom alive to be blessed with her and I hope she knows this!

As Toby Keith would say it's time to talk about me! Still working up the divorce. Attorneys don't come cheap and paying bills is a priority over getting unhitched at the moment. Although it isn't like the STBXH was in an all fired up hurry to get divorced before. Different now! Relationship with Jr. High School crush continues. :) Thinking about him definitely puts a huge smile on my face. Starting back on Atkins after Thanksgiving and will be doing some major cleaning my seven days off. Time to purge this place and get ready for the future. Sad and invigorating at the same time. It means I will have to go through memories and put them into boxes in real life as well as in my head. It will definitely be some work. The house is a wreck! The 65+ hours of work and school I have been putting in haven't been conducive to a clean house. My room is the catchall for all the miscellaneous stuff that doesn't have a home. Time to rectify it!

I hope all is well with all my tblog fans! :)  

I had a very interesting conversation with a friend of mine this past evening and it really got me to thinking about my current relationship and my relationships from my past. I am someone who has always kept a scorecard in my relationships. I would give all that I had in order to illicit a response from the person I was with instead of my giving being something I did because it made me feel good to do so. I kept score of how much I gave and expected the other person to measure up to me. This lead to many expectations that were rarely met on the part of my ex partners. I am not trying to be conceited, but I do have to admit that I am a very giving person and that included my money, my time, my effort, and my body. That meant that if I wanted to please whoever I was with, I would do whatever it took to make them happy even to my own detriment. This also led to resentment as I was expecting them to do the same for me in return.

 I have decided that I don't want to live a life filled with scorecards any more. I want to give to my partner and it be freely and without expectations. I want to appreciate him for who he is and what he has to offer. I don't want to attempt to make him measure up to a male version of myself. I want to love him and give to him and in return realize that what he gives me is what he is capable of and I have no right to demand anything more than what he freely gives of himself.

I believe that this has totally freed up my heart and has allowed me to heal. My crush has my heart now and it is whole. I will spoil him as he has never been spoiled before and I will accept the love he gives me. Because in all honesty he spoils me, too! I don't believe I have ever felt so precious or exquisite in my entire life. I'm so very lucky and I know this.

Life without scorecards will be new for me, but it will definitely keep my life sane! And we all know that a little bit of sanity in my life will be extremely appreciated!

Life is looking up daily! Renewed relationships, new friendships, and even a loss and a new member to the family. Turtle had to be put to sleep a few weeks ago. It was a very hard decision to make, but she was very ill. She started having seizures and was not herself. She was in so much pain and I couldn't let her go on like that. She went peacefully with me, Monkey, and Lizard holding onto her. I loved that cat so much. A week after she left, a cute little furball graced our doorsteps. We are now the proud owners of Sophia. :) She is an absolute doll and so demanding! She even head bumps like Turtle did.

I friended someone on facebook without really knowing who they were and it has ended up being one of the smartest things I have ever done. Her name is Sonya and she is the most awesome girl I have had the opportunity to consider as a friend. She lives in Canada and even knows my STBXH. She is my Jiminy Cricket! I tell her everything. Even when it makes me sound crazy as a loon! Can't wait for her to come visit. We are going to shop, cook, and have a wonderful time!

My junior high crush recently joined facebook and I sent him a friend request. Fast forward a few weeks and we are now working our way towards something really really serious. It only took me 25 years to get him to notice me. :) Talk about perserverance!

Divorce is in the works.

Life!!! I'm loving it!

Well I am now in receipt of divorce papers. The STBXH kindly included a pen for the ease of my signing them. It appears that his attorneys are Google and the Internet as it is plain to see he downloaded these from some website promoting an easy "uncontested" divorce in Alabama. *rolls eyes* Something pink is smudged all over the front page and he obviously filled them in on his own. I'm totally impressed by the fact that he misspelled my middle name and obviously doesn't remember the date he decided to walk away from my children and I. I will be making an appointment with my attorney soon to get this all straightened out. I've never been one to do anything half-assed and getting divorced won't be done half-assed either. The STBXH should know me better by now.

Other interesting things to note. The ex prior to the STBXH has decided to make an appearance on my facebook. He sent me a lovely message that first of all complimented me on how beautiful I still am and believe it or not he actually asked how we all were doing. The next part of his message didn't sit well. He wanted to know that since so much time had passed if all the hatred had had a chance to die down. Funny that I don't think about him any more, but I know that an apology wasn't given and I have no reason to believe that he feels badly for anything he did. There is a reason he is in my past and he can remain there. Can you say DELETE? I knew you could and I did!

Another person also found me on facebook. Got to love that social networking website! This one however is someone that I would love to become friends with again. His name is Andy and we used to be really close friends. He's gotten married to a very beautiful girl and I am super glad for him. :) Here's hoping that we are able to keep in touch.

The LMC appears to be out for the season. He's torn his right medial meniscus and has a left shoulder subluxation (i.e. he popped his shoulder out of joint, but it worked its way back in) with a possible tear of the cartilage there as well. We are looking at surgery now for the knee and then surgery after he finishes football completely for the shoulder. Poor guy is scared shitless and I can't blame him. We did finally get him to a better orthopenis than the first one we went to. The first orthopenis was just that.....a dick!

I've been working my fool ass off the last month and it doesn't appear that it will be letting down any time soon. Select is having an influx of patients and that means they need more agency nurses to staff them. I was actually offered a position there full time on the weekends and had to turn it down because I have to work one full weekend a month at UAB. The charge nurse says they pay well and I really wanted to find out how well, but didn't ask. LoL

I just finished another class and will be starting my next one on the 13th. This one was a bit more intense than any of my other classes to date. They appear to be getting harder and harder as I am working more and more! A paradox you think? Or maybe just irony?

I do have a date this next Sunday and I am looking forward to it. I have never had someone make plans for me and then tell me what we are going to do. It's really refreshing. I have always hated making plans all the time. We are going to go eat some sushi and then visit a huge market. Going to be lots of fun as he makes me laugh a lot. :)

This handsome creature is my almost an adult, large male child (LMC). He turned seventeen on September 18th. I can remember giving birth to him (helps that it's on video) like it was yesterday. I vividly remember him never crawling as he rolled to everything he wanted to get into. He used to love to line cars up in long lines all around his room. He used to adore Barney and has moved from collecting Pokemon cards, to Yu-Gi-Oh cards, up to spending a large amount of his time playing X-Box 360 and going to Battlegrounds. Through it all he has remained the most kind, loving, and gentle man I have had the most awesome priviledge to be witness to. I couldn't have been blessed with a better son.

Life is chugging along for us all. The girls and I had therapy appointments today. We ended up going out with a friend of mine and having lunch at Ruby Tuesdays to celebrate my friend's birthday. I was unable to attend my friend's party as I had to work (shocking). We did a little retail therapy as well (Godiva chocolate and Victoria Secrets). I think I have been to the mall more in the past 6 months than I have in the past 10 years of my life! I used to hate the mall. I also used to hate the color pink (look at my blog and my crackberry). Change can be good! LoL

Today is Homecoming and Good Hope is playing Fultondale. LMC has spent the last two days pretending to be a furniture throw on the couch as he has had either a wicked cold or the infamous pig flu!

So we are unsure if he will be playing this evening. He was beginning to feel a wee bit better so we will cross our fingers!

I have a crazy weekend of work planned again (another shock). Looking at 20 hours on Saturday and 12 on Sunday. Going to have to fit in work on a group paper homework assignment in there somewhere. Cross your fingers people!

Taking a moment to jot down some general random goings on in the life of Assalicious. Work, work, work, and did I mention more work? I had to take on another job to pay my bills and well I'm exhausted, yet pleased at the same time. I am doing some PRN at a rehab facility about an hour away. It's definitely a new type of nursing for me. Working with people coming off of drugs and alcohol isn't something I've done before. It's an interesting view into the human condition for sure. I'm enjoying it and hope to get in as much time there learning as I can.

Trying to do more around the house and have actually helped clean the kitchen the other night and actually did the kitchen on my own last night. You have NO idea how huge this is. Especially knowing that I put in 64 hours last week at work and am slated to put in 56 this week. This of course doesn't take into account the 30 hours of driving that goes along with or the fact that I am in school. To say I am busy is an understatement.

I cooked dinner last night as well. I made momma's "made with my own hands" hamburge rs and the kidletts said they were the best they've had. They actually were pretty freakin' tasty. Not too done, very moist, and just the right amount of seasoning to make them ooze juice as you bit into them. We had seasoned potato wedges as an accoutrement (there's that French speaking side of me again).

The large male child appears to be falling out of love with football. I knew this was going to happen and have figured he's played for a long time in order to appease me. I just have always had this feeling that if he didn't have something like football he would grow up hiding out in his room and never coming out. Going to have to see where this leads, but I do know that no matter what I am so proud of his efforts.

Monkey is really missing having me around. I feel awful about having to be gone so much, but it's a necessary evil in order to have a roof over our head, food in our tummies, and all the bills paid. I have started having her spend time with me when I get ready for work. We talk and work on her homework.

Lizard is in love and out of love so much these days. Boys are breaking her heart and that makes me sad. We are definitely communicating more and I am trying to help her through the decision making process in regard to what does and what does not constitute a healthy relationship. Which makes me feel like a fraud as I am just learning what the hell that is myself. We're muddling through!

On the man front, I am getting a lot more attention lately. Which has its benefits and its ugly side as well. It's good for the ego, but very difficult in that I have so many different wants and needs from a prospective person of interest. Being married is a ditch 'em quickly (why do I appear to be a married man magnet?) as well as the ones who are just interested in a hook up. And the others, well I am realizing that I have the right to be very picky and choosy.

So I have come up with the Assalicious prospective person of interest list (aka APPIL).

APPIL

• I want someone who is responsible and either is a great father already or wants to be one (My children are my number one priority and until they are out of the house, their needs come first!)
• I want someone who has goals in mind and a plan on how to get there.
• I want someone who works as hard as I do. A J-O-B is imperative. 
• I want someone who puts forth effort into making a relationship work (I'm high maintenance and like to be called, texted, emailed, and romanced and I do the same in return-I give as good as I get!) and realizes that that "giddy in love" feeling becomes muted and transforms into a "comfortable in love" feeling and that is okay.
• I do not want to be with someone who is constantly looking for the next bigger and better.
• I want to find someone who has his own interests and doesn't feel like I have to be up his ass all the time.
• We should share some common interests, though, so as to have things to do together (going out for sushi, going out to the movies or staying home watching a movie, going out to restaurants or him staying in and cooking for me (I love being spoiled), and him being able to make up these plans for us without me comes to mind. I'm tired of always having to make the plans).
• We do need to share a love of music (can you name that tune from five seconds of listening is a favorite game of mine!) as it is something very close to me (I love going to concerts, but don't have to be up against the stage to enjoy myself. I'm there to HEAR the music!).
• He has to be openminded.
• My perfect someone won't smoke (I totally love to lay on a man's chest and breathe in his air and when a man smokes let's just say that it totally ruins it for me), do drugs or have a recent history of drug use (the words "I quit for you!" only leads to issues), someone who drinks socially but doesn't feel like his life isn't complete without alcohol in it. I don't want to go to bars all the time, but on occasion it's fine (especially if they have a cool cover band like Hogans in Birmingham!).
• He has to wear sandals and shorts (on occasion as it would be pretty crazy for me to want a man to wear them in the dead of winter!)
• He has to make me laugh. A sense of humor is a MUST!
• He must be able to carry on a conversation intelligently and if we are texting, instant messaging, or emailing, grammar and spelling are essential (it's my list damnit and my wants so ).

I really have a short list, but it's proving to be one that knocks a bunch of candidates off the APPIL.

I am realizing though that right now I am learning who I am and how to have fun just making friends and getting to know people. I'm not really interested in finding my prospective person of interest right now. I'm just basking in the attention and having fun finding me. My list is there for me to consult when and if the time comes. I'm cool with being almost divorced and on my own. I never thought I would say that, but it's true.

Football season has started and it is probably my most favorite time of year. I don't have a favorite pro or college team, but I am a die hard and grade A all the way fan of the Good Hope Raiders. Who are the Good Hope Raiders? They just happen to be the team blessed with having my son play starting offensive tackle. :) He's #77!

Their first game was a jamoree game planned against Addison. It was called on the day it was scheduled and the day it was rescheduled to due to rain. It ALWAYS rains in Alabama! UGH! So ready to move to Texas. (sorry about the tangent) Anywho, they have since played two games. They won the first against West Point (biggest rival and a team they haven't beat since 2006). The score was 21-20. It was a GREAT GAME!

The second game they have played they lost to Hamilton. The Aggies came to play and the Raiders didn't quite know how to stop them. Our boys played with so much heart and never gave up. They certainly make a fan proud! The score was 40-54. Which is evidence that they kept trying as it would have been a much lower score on our side if they hadn't.

Our next game is in Danville on September 11th @ 7pm. It's our first away game and I hope to see our boys kick some serious Danville a$$! I'll be the one in the bleachers screaming my son's name and jumping up and down when we score and win!

I just started another class on Tuesday. This is another nursing class. It appears to be one that is going to take a lot of effort and reading for. Going to have to squeeze it in amongst my jobs and my kids. Hopefully nothing goes kaflooey! Speaking of kaflooey, the air conditioner is on the fritz again. Did I mention how ready I am to move to Texas? Yeah, I thought I had. :) Going to have to get it fixed, AGAIN!

I still have the yard to do. The kids and I will also be cleaning out the storage and getting rid of a bunch of junk. I have decided to streamline my life and get rid of a lot of excess baggage that has been muddling up my present and future. Memories are cool and all, but being stored in storage and having not seen them for months, I think it's time to pare down.

Got an email from my mother-in-law. She and her husband celebrated 35 years on August 31st. He bought her flying lessons. Something I knew about from when I talked to my father-in-law back on Father's Day. I'm really glad that they are choosing to remain in our lives despite all that is going on and has gone on. I would be really sad to lose them when I haven't even had the pleasure of meeting them in person. We've spoken about them possibly coming to visit and meet us and I am thrilled at the thought.  

I was sitting on the floor earlier picking up my room a bit and thinking about how my life has changed. At times, it's hard to understand and other times it just feels completely right. I have made some great friends lately and have gotten so close to my sister. Without having experienced what I have I wouldn't be where I am right now and to be honest I'm liking who I am becoming. This is my life and I am the only one who will be with me for its entirety. I have to be happy with the choices I make and the actions I put forth. I've spent so much of my life pleasing others and not really believing that I had a right to feel or to have feelings. It's a great Tiffany (see earlier post)!!

My baby is now eleven years old. Yesterday, she celebrated blessing my life for eleven glorious years with hopes and wishes for too many more to count. Money is tight so gifts were minimal in comparison to the past, but they were filled with thought. I went and had lunch with her at school (she was supergrinning at me when I showed up), she got wicked cool cupcakes to share with her friends (too cute puppydog cupcake of her own), chicken and dumplin's made by momma, and the bumpits she has been asking for for months (why do kids want their hair to look like the 50's bouffants of the past?).

What she didn't get was a happy birthday from my STBXH. I don't think I will ever understand a person's ability to cut off a child that knew you as their father for almost 4 years and whom you had promised to adopt and love. It totally baffles me. I think it wouldn't confuse me so much if my children were crackheads, always in some sort of trouble, or caused problems. The truth is my children are none of those. They aren't perfect by no means. They can annoy you with the best of them, but they have awesome hearts and are really great kids. They all get either A's or B's, all are into activities in school, and all wear their hearts on their sleeves. To have someone treat them with such total disregard hurts like nothing ever could.

I once asked my STBXH to take my hope away so I could go on and let him go. He said he couldn't do that. Funny thing is, he did it and had no idea. The day he said he didn't want to be responsible and didn't want to be a father anymore was that day. It just took me awhile to realize it.

Well, so far this blog has focused primarily on the good things going on in my life. I sort of gloss over the bad and never really delve that far into it. This is something I am choosing to work on. Life isn't always a bed of roses. I am not always strong enough to handle things. Life for me at this point is really overwhelming. Now having said that, I will get through this. I have the faith in myself and my abilities to work through and get to a point of peace. It's just that right now, life just makes me feel as if I want to be a child again and not have to make decisions, be responsible, and I want to bury my head in the covers until everything is better again.

I don't like the idea that I am soon to be a divorced person. It makes me feel like a failure. Even though I know that I did everything I could to save it. Marriages are not made up of just one person. It takes two to make it work and it unfortunately only takes one to tear it apart. When I was a little girl, I had such a different vision of what my life was going to be like. Parts of my present life resemble that vision, but there are so many other things that I couldn't perceive happening to me when I was a child. Where's the white picket fence, wrap around porch, and my boobs in my oatmeal?

Seeing the suffering I have in the past few weeks has really had an impact on me. Two completely different stories, but both having people who touched me. I lost a patient who was very close to me. It was someone that I had had dreams of being her nurse when her time came and I was. It was someone that my STBXH had held me in his arms about on many occasions. When the time came for her to cease being in this world all I wanted was that comfort of those arms that had held me previously. I came home to an empty bed and no arms.

I've always said that we must have rainy days in order to appreciate the sun. All of these things that I am going through that hurt so much, are all things that I will get through and be better for having gone through them. It's just that the getting through at times feels so painstakingly breathtaking and soul crushing.

Life sometimes just is....

As you all can see, I've made a few changes to my lovely blog. I've added an awesome new banner designed and created by moi (I can fake speaking French!). Added a strip of my totally beautarific splentabulous face. And did a little moving around of stuff. Kinda sprucing up the joint if you will. I'm totally digging the new look and I hope all my devoted fans (all 3 or 4 of you LoL) do as well.

Life is a funny thing. Back in 2008, I honestly didn't think I would ever have as much change going on in my life as I did that year. That is what I get for thinking when I wasn't equipped for the job. The year 2009 has already had me changing so much about myself and how I live it is amazing me. I will be divorced shortly and I am not as devastated about it as I thought I would be, some familial relationships are gone (apparently defending your right to have feelings to a narcissist (try saying that if you have a lisp) is not a good thing!), friends that I let go of when I got involved with my soon-to-be-ex-husband and others that I have just recently met have proven to be loyal and are being my shoulders to lean on and my ears to listen (The list is long. I appreciate you all! You have no idea how much!), and my outlook on life has done a 180 for certain. I have made some decisions about what I will and what I will not accept from people I am in relationships with, be they friends, family, or more than friends.

I've made a list of goals that I plan to accomplish and have broken it down further. I am still going to school. I will have my BS in nursing (no snickering from the peanut gallery) at the end of 2010. I will be moving to Corpus Christi in 2011 (South Padre Island here I come-Sitting on the beach, drink, and book in hand-Gotta love it!). I am working on paying all of my debt off and am living a very financially structured existence. Something I have been trying to do for quite some time (The kids are learning that money isn't what shows them that I love them. A lesson we all needed to learn).

Bubba, Lizard, and Monkey start school today (Yep! it's back to the grind for them!). It's hard for me to believe that my children are growing up so fast. I can remember giving birth to each of them like it was just yesterday (OUCH! :) Wouldn't trade that pain for anything. It was totally worth it and I would do it again in a heartbeat if it meant I would have these three kids). They continue to make me proud on a daily basis just by being the phenomenal kids they are. I couldn't ask for children better than the three I am blessed with.

Lizard went on her very first "real" date! She and her friend Tyler went and saw

He paid for her ticket, so it was an actual date! My baby is growing up! Someone pinch me! She had a great time and they have plans to go out again Friday for another movie.

I'm excited because Bubba will be starting offensive tackle this year for the Raiders. Their first game is at home on August 20th. I can barely contain my excitement. I've even made a page for them on my facebook! I am such a dedicated fan! GO RAIDERS!!!

Time for my a$$ to get tucked snugly into bed. I'm hoping to work some OT tonight.

Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease!

*kisses*

 a$$alicious

What do  chicken, a strapless bra, and some lotion all have in common? Even though they could quite possibly be some twisted props in a pOrno, that isn't the commonality I am looking for. These three items are all relevant in an "it could only happen to Assalicious" story that happened prior to my eldest daughter skipping off to Texas for the summer.

It all begins, the day before the last day of school. Eldest daughter, Lizard, decides she wants to wear her strapless dress to school. Mind you she plans on wearing something over it, as strapless anythings are verboten at her school, well actually at most schools. Anywho! This precipitates a need for her to HAVE to have a strapless bra to wear under aforementioned dress even though she plans on wearing something over it. *sigh* It then becomes my mission whether I want to accept it or not to go to "the" Wal-Mart to find this distressed beauty a D cup strapless bra (Good lord when did she grow BOOBS?).

I, of course, have to work that evening, but find myself getting dressed early to accommodate the Lizard with her needs. As I am drying my hair, my cell phone rings and it is Lizard's BFF's mother calling with the news that my 20 pound box of chicken tenders that I ordered to support Lizard's BFF's basketball team are in and she wishes to meet up with me to make a trade-$25 for 20 pounds of frozen and breaded chicken boobs! We arrange to meet up at "the" Wal-Mart, after we pick up the strapless over the shoulder boulder holder that Lizard requires to complete her ensem for her last day in junior high, to make the swap.

Arriving at "the" Wal-Mart we quite easily find the unmentionable that I've mentioned and proceed to the checkout. Lizard's cell phone rings and it's BFF's mother calling to tell us that she is in the parking lot with our frozen pollo (that's Spanish for chicken people! Little did you know that Assalicious knows some Spanish!) Lizard ponies up the dough (the check I wrote) to BFF's mother and puts the box in the back of my 2006 black Chevrolet HHR that resembles a hearse and I'm a nurse, so it's called my Nurse HHRse (aren't I clever?). We then book it to la casa (that's home for the gringos (white people-wOw! parenthesis inside of parenthesis) told you I knew some Spanish!) as it is getting awfully close to the time that I usually leave to make it on time to work.

On the way there, I end up scratching my elbows and am horrified to find out that they feel like the skin of a dried up old.....well something dried up and old. So, I ask Lizard to run into the house and bring me some lotion to put on my poor elbows. She gets out of the HHR clutching her new lingerie purchase and rushes into the house. She runs back out with a tube of my favorite smelling lotion, kisses me goodbye, rushes back into the house, and I speed away merrily with soft, sweet smelling elbows. On the way to work, I am totally blasting the radio and singing along like the crazy fool I am. I forget that there are others around me when I am in my vehicle. Do you do that? Well, a lot of people do, because I see them picking their noses as if noone can see them! Was that you? Anywho!

I arrived at work safe and sound parking in the parking deck. I picked up my cell phone and there is a message from Lizard. It said......."Mom, I ummm got distracted by you needing lotion and I ummm kinda forgot ummm. I left the chicken in the trunk of the car." Reality sets in. I have a 20 pound box of frozen, raw, and breaded chicken in the back end of my vehicle that I am going to have to carry from the parking deck all the way through the hospital, up to the eighth floor, having to clean out the freezer to stash it, until I remember in the morning to not forget it, so I can carry it back down from the eighth floor, through the hospital, to the parking deck to bring it back to the house. Decision time. Am I going to waste $25 and let it sit in the HHR, in the Alabama summer heat (lord knows what kind of stench I would be assaulted with upon returning in the morning), and just toss it when I get home? I did the only thing that Assalicious would do in a time like this..........

That 20 pound box was lighter than I thought, and some really cute doctor even offered hi s assistance in carrying my box but I declined and perservered to the eighth floor and back to the Nurse HHrse, and we ate those chicken tenders for 2 weeks! So that is the story about the chicken, the strapless bra, and the lotion. No pOrn was involved and no animals were hurt, even though boobs figured in twice in the story and the chickens were already dead. I swear this type of crap happens to noone else like it does me. I live quite the exciting life!

Whilest munching on my Burger King onion rings, I was shocked to find this laying amongst all the other ring shaped nummies. One could decide it is the number 8, as in I surely 8 all of those onion rings. I prefer to see it as an infinity symbol. Why, you may find yourself pondering? The simplest answer and the one I like the most is BECAUSE I CAN! I honestly thought of putting it up for bid on EBAY, but couldn't bare to part with it to some stranger who would not see the significance of it. So, I 8 it instead.

**WARNING**

The post following this disclaimer will be exceptionally lengthy in verbage and may cause nausea, vomiting, and seizures. Okay, so no nausea, vomiting, or seizures will be triggered, but it will be extremely long, possibly full of run on sentences, and you might suffer electrocution from falling asleep on your keyboard and drooling. You have been warned. Proceed at your own risk!!!!

Last night I had a Tiffany!!! I know, I know!  You are sitting there stumped wondering what in the hell a Tiffany is. It is not a popstar from the 90's. 

A Tiffany is what you have when it's the middle of the night, you are off from work, you're naked, your CPAP mask is on and you are doing your cool rendition of Mrs. Darth Vadar, your comforter is pulled up over your head, you're in complete darkness, and you do something masochistic like perusing your life and start to pick it apart to find your faults and flaws because you desperately want to change the things about you that prevent you from being the you that you are meant to be. It's finally coming to grips with and realizing that being stagnant and just accepting who you thought you would always be isn't good enough. Sort of like an epiphany, but BIGGER, wears a cool denim jacket with buttons all over it, and has red hair!

I am facing my imperfections and working very hard on improving them. I am working on my outside by going to the gym. I am pushing myself to become stronger physically. I am a work in progress, but I am seeing progress. I have lost over 75 pounds since my brain surgery. I am lasting longer on the treadmill. I am able to actually make a muscle on my bicep (really big deal-HUUUUYUUUUGE even!) My stamina is increasing and I am making goals. My ultimate goal has always been to run. It's since morphed into running a marathon of some sort. I don't wanna win the damn thing. I just want to complete it and I will. I am determined and anyone who knows me will tell you that if it is in my power to control it, I will make it a reality.

Funny thing about control. When it comes to controlling anything outside of yourself it's all an illusion (thanks Laura Dern and Jurassic Park). I can't control anything but my actions, reactions, and my happiness. These are the things I have control over and I am really beginning to understand that.

I am going to therapy to work on my insides and doing a lot of self introspection. I am seeing progress there as well. I am learning a lot about who I am and why I am who I am. I am also learning that I can change things about myself, but they have to be things I want to change for me and I definitely have to have the tools required to make and keep those changes. It's also a very difficult thing. Changing parts of who you have been for 36 years isn't easy, but it is sometimes necessary if it keeps you from repeating the same mistakes over and over. Realizing you need to change is a big step, but the actual work of changing is where it can get kind of tricky. I'm doing this. I am more present in my childrens' lives. I am doing my best to hear what it is they are saying to me. I am making an effort to listen to others more and just validate what they say. I don't want to fix anyone. I just want them to know I care and that their well being is important to me. I have referred a number of friends to therapy and stopped trying to be an armchair therapist. I leave it up to the professionals.

Oh look a rabbit. Speaking of ADD. http://www.additudemag.com/channel/adult-add-adh d/index.html" title="http://www.additudemag.com/channel/adult-add-adh d/index.html" target="_blank"http://www.additudemag.com/ch... Oh wait we weren't. LOL This was a site that I stumbled upon during some research. I hope it will be helpful to someone who reads this.

I have also done some thinking on my marriage and the part I played in it getting to where it is. I own my part. I am sorry. It is part of the past that I can't change or rectify. I can only acknowledge it, learn from it, and prevent it from happening again in my present and future relationships. My husband will have to own his own choices and actions.

Which brings us to the subjects of forgiveness and forgetting. I do not think that anyone should forget things that have happened to them. They should learn from them so as not to repeat them. I, myself, have learned that I no longer want to be in relationships with score cards. I want to love someone and that be enough for me. However, one must learn how to forgive. It is through forgiveness that you learn compassion, humility, and how to love unconditionally. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go and sometimes letting someone go is loving yourself. A hard lesson learned, but one that makes you stronger.

In a post deleted, I commented on my husband having strength to walk away. Truth is, him actually staying, working on the relationship and his issues would have been him showing strength on his part. His walking away with backup is his normal and something to have been expected. Dedication, changing when it is necessary to grow, being responsible, being honorable, and making and keeping promises are the things he will always struggle with and when he finally has a Tiffany and realizes this then he will finally become the man he is meant to be.

So I had my Tiffany and it didn't kill me and I am certainly learning from it. Life is........(you fill in the blank)

Ugh! Having issues with some of my posts today! Originally posted on 06.03.09 (2:47 am)

Get out the firecrackers, hotdogs, and alcoholic beverages of your choice. Me? I think I'll do some shots of Hot Damn and cozy up to a few white russians or more! :)

I got called off today and the large male child and I are slotted to do some killer lawn work today! He is so very excited. Let me tell you. I have had plans to do this for quite some time, but my busy lifestyle with work, school, kids, work, kids, having fun, work, more fun, kids, and work.......oh and more fun got in the way. The yard wasn't going anywhere anyways! It's been a mess for months awaiting someone to get off their lazy arse and whip it back into shape. I will be that someone. Going to take pictures of before and after. Please do not hold the befores against me.

As you can see, I have posted the newest picture I have of myself and will be pulling all the pics off of my camera and my cute little pink blackberry curve (love this damn thing!) to post with more witty stories of my escapades so far this summer. I promise! :)

Fireworks are planned for this evening. I hope everyone has a splentabulous 4th! I plan to!