What do  chicken, a strapless bra, and some lotion all have in common? Even though they could quite possibly be some twisted props in a pOrno, that isn't the commonality I am looking for. These three items are all relevant in an "it could only happen to Assalicious" story that happened prior to my eldest daughter skipping off to Texas for the summer.

It all begins, the day before the last day of school. Eldest daughter, Lizard, decides she wants to wear her strapless dress to school. Mind you she plans on wearing something over it, as strapless anythings are verboten at her school, well actually at most schools. Anywho! This precipitates a need for her to HAVE to have a strapless bra to wear under aforementioned dress even though she plans on wearing something over it. *sigh* It then becomes my mission whether I want to accept it or not to go to "the" Wal-Mart to find this distressed beauty a D cup strapless bra (Good lord when did she grow BOOBS?).

I, of course, have to work that evening, but find myself getting dressed early to accommodate the Lizard with her needs. As I am drying my hair, my cell phone rings and it is Lizard's BFF's mother calling with the news that my 20 pound box of chicken tenders that I ordered to support Lizard's BFF's basketball team are in and she wishes to meet up with me to make a trade-$25 for 20 pounds of frozen and breaded chicken boobs! We arrange to meet up at "the" Wal-Mart, after we pick up the strapless over the shoulder boulder holder that Lizard requires to complete her ensem for her last day in junior high, to make the swap.

Arriving at "the" Wal-Mart we quite easily find the unmentionable that I've mentioned and proceed to the checkout. Lizard's cell phone rings and it's BFF's mother calling to tell us that she is in the parking lot with our frozen pollo (that's Spanish for chicken people! Little did you know that Assalicious knows some Spanish!) Lizard ponies up the dough (the check I wrote) to BFF's mother and puts the box in the back of my 2006 black Chevrolet HHR that resembles a hearse and I'm a nurse, so it's called my Nurse HHRse (aren't I clever?). We then book it to la casa (that's home for the gringos (white people-wOw! parenthesis inside of parenthesis) told you I knew some Spanish!) as it is getting awfully close to the time that I usually leave to make it on time to work.

On the way there, I end up scratching my elbows and am horrified to find out that they feel like the skin of a dried up old.....well something dried up and old. So, I ask Lizard to run into the house and bring me some lotion to put on my poor elbows. She gets out of the HHR clutching her new lingerie purchase and rushes into the house. She runs back out with a tube of my favorite smelling lotion, kisses me goodbye, rushes back into the house, and I speed away merrily with soft, sweet smelling elbows. On the way to work, I am totally blasting the radio and singing along like the crazy fool I am. I forget that there are others around me when I am in my vehicle. Do you do that? Well, a lot of people do, because I see them picking their noses as if noone can see them! Was that you? Anywho!

I arrived at work safe and sound parking in the parking deck. I picked up my cell phone and there is a message from Lizard. It said......."Mom, I ummm got distracted by you needing lotion and I ummm kinda forgot ummm. I left the chicken in the trunk of the car." Reality sets in. I have a 20 pound box of frozen, raw, and breaded chicken in the back end of my vehicle that I am going to have to carry from the parking deck all the way through the hospital, up to the eighth floor, having to clean out the freezer to stash it, until I remember in the morning to not forget it, so I can carry it back down from the eighth floor, through the hospital, to the parking deck to bring it back to the house. Decision time. Am I going to waste $25 and let it sit in the HHR, in the Alabama summer heat (lord knows what kind of stench I would be assaulted with upon returning in the morning), and just toss it when I get home? I did the only thing that Assalicious would do in a time like this..........

That 20 pound box was lighter than I thought, and some really cute doctor even offered hi s assistance in carrying my box but I declined and perservered to the eighth floor and back to the Nurse HHrse, and we ate those chicken tenders for 2 weeks! So that is the story about the chicken, the strapless bra, and the lotion. No pOrn was involved and no animals were hurt, even though boobs figured in twice in the story and the chickens were already dead. I swear this type of crap happens to noone else like it does me. I live quite the exciting life!

Whilest munching on my Burger King onion rings, I was shocked to find this laying amongst all the other ring shaped nummies. One could decide it is the number 8, as in I surely 8 all of those onion rings. I prefer to see it as an infinity symbol. Why, you may find yourself pondering? The simplest answer and the one I like the most is BECAUSE I CAN! I honestly thought of putting it up for bid on EBAY, but couldn't bare to part with it to some stranger who would not see the significance of it. So, I 8 it instead.

**WARNING**

The post following this disclaimer will be exceptionally lengthy in verbage and may cause nausea, vomiting, and seizures. Okay, so no nausea, vomiting, or seizures will be triggered, but it will be extremely long, possibly full of run on sentences, and you might suffer electrocution from falling asleep on your keyboard and drooling. You have been warned. Proceed at your own risk!!!!

Last night I had a Tiffany!!! I know, I know!  You are sitting there stumped wondering what in the hell a Tiffany is. It is not a popstar from the 90's. 

A Tiffany is what you have when it's the middle of the night, you are off from work, you're naked, your CPAP mask is on and you are doing your cool rendition of Mrs. Darth Vadar, your comforter is pulled up over your head, you're in complete darkness, and you do something masochistic like perusing your life and start to pick it apart to find your faults and flaws because you desperately want to change the things about you that prevent you from being the you that you are meant to be. It's finally coming to grips with and realizing that being stagnant and just accepting who you thought you would always be isn't good enough. Sort of like an epiphany, but BIGGER, wears a cool denim jacket with buttons all over it, and has red hair!

I am facing my imperfections and working very hard on improving them. I am working on my outside by going to the gym. I am pushing myself to become stronger physically. I am a work in progress, but I am seeing progress. I have lost over 75 pounds since my brain surgery. I am lasting longer on the treadmill. I am able to actually make a muscle on my bicep (really big deal-HUUUUYUUUUGE even!) My stamina is increasing and I am making goals. My ultimate goal has always been to run. It's since morphed into running a marathon of some sort. I don't wanna win the damn thing. I just want to complete it and I will. I am determined and anyone who knows me will tell you that if it is in my power to control it, I will make it a reality.

Funny thing about control. When it comes to controlling anything outside of yourself it's all an illusion (thanks Laura Dern and Jurassic Park). I can't control anything but my actions, reactions, and my happiness. These are the things I have control over and I am really beginning to understand that.

I am going to therapy to work on my insides and doing a lot of self introspection. I am seeing progress there as well. I am learning a lot about who I am and why I am who I am. I am also learning that I can change things about myself, but they have to be things I want to change for me and I definitely have to have the tools required to make and keep those changes. It's also a very difficult thing. Changing parts of who you have been for 36 years isn't easy, but it is sometimes necessary if it keeps you from repeating the same mistakes over and over. Realizing you need to change is a big step, but the actual work of changing is where it can get kind of tricky. I'm doing this. I am more present in my childrens' lives. I am doing my best to hear what it is they are saying to me. I am making an effort to listen to others more and just validate what they say. I don't want to fix anyone. I just want them to know I care and that their well being is important to me. I have referred a number of friends to therapy and stopped trying to be an armchair therapist. I leave it up to the professionals.

Oh look a rabbit. Speaking of ADD. http://www.additudemag.com/channel/adult-add-adh d/index.html" title="http://www.additudemag.com/channel/adult-add-adh d/index.html" target="_blank"http://www.additudemag.com/ch... Oh wait we weren't. LOL This was a site that I stumbled upon during some research. I hope it will be helpful to someone who reads this.

I have also done some thinking on my marriage and the part I played in it getting to where it is. I own my part. I am sorry. It is part of the past that I can't change or rectify. I can only acknowledge it, learn from it, and prevent it from happening again in my present and future relationships. My husband will have to own his own choices and actions.

Which brings us to the subjects of forgiveness and forgetting. I do not think that anyone should forget things that have happened to them. They should learn from them so as not to repeat them. I, myself, have learned that I no longer want to be in relationships with score cards. I want to love someone and that be enough for me. However, one must learn how to forgive. It is through forgiveness that you learn compassion, humility, and how to love unconditionally. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go and sometimes letting someone go is loving yourself. A hard lesson learned, but one that makes you stronger.

In a post deleted, I commented on my husband having strength to walk away. Truth is, him actually staying, working on the relationship and his issues would have been him showing strength on his part. His walking away with backup is his normal and something to have been expected. Dedication, changing when it is necessary to grow, being responsible, being honorable, and making and keeping promises are the things he will always struggle with and when he finally has a Tiffany and realizes this then he will finally become the man he is meant to be.

So I had my Tiffany and it didn't kill me and I am certainly learning from it. Life is........(you fill in the blank)

Ugh! Having issues with some of my posts today! Originally posted on 06.03.09 (2:47 am)

Get out the firecrackers, hotdogs, and alcoholic beverages of your choice. Me? I think I'll do some shots of Hot Damn and cozy up to a few white russians or more! :)

I got called off today and the large male child and I are slotted to do some killer lawn work today! He is so very excited. Let me tell you. I have had plans to do this for quite some time, but my busy lifestyle with work, school, kids, work, kids, having fun, work, more fun, kids, and work.......oh and more fun got in the way. The yard wasn't going anywhere anyways! It's been a mess for months awaiting someone to get off their lazy arse and whip it back into shape. I will be that someone. Going to take pictures of before and after. Please do not hold the befores against me.

As you can see, I have posted the newest picture I have of myself and will be pulling all the pics off of my camera and my cute little pink blackberry curve (love this damn thing!) to post with more witty stories of my escapades so far this summer. I promise! :)

Fireworks are planned for this evening. I hope everyone has a splentabulous 4th! I plan to!

I am a slacker, but I have excuses and reasons! Been going and doing so much that I haven't had time to sit down and jot it down for my tblog fans. Also, I got a blackberry and as cool as it is to be able to facebook like a fiend on the damn thing, getting the stoopid mini-sd card out of it is a beeyotch and I find myself procrastinating! Which is totally unlike me.  

Anywho! I've been go go going with the large male child. We have further fun to add to the growing list of Summer '09 Events. I went with said large male child and walked the "TRAIL" at the school. Holy Bat Guano! I made it!

We went and saw Transformers with friends at the IMAX theater. TOTALLY WICKED COOL! Had a blast.

We have been shopping at the large orange store for new outdoor tools, as well as parts to fix the old outdoor tools (Can you imagine, Assalicious doing mechanic work on a lawnmower?) a nd have plans to do some nifty stuff in the yard.

We went to the mall and hit up the Godiva store. Can you say YUMMY? I knew you could!

We have also had a Japanese man cook dinner for us and throw shrimp at our gaping mouths.

On a down note, the frickin' air conditioner caught on fire two days ago and it's going to be a few weeks before I can get it fixed. We'll live, but damn if it isn't hotter than hades in my house!

Even with the bad, life is going on and the killer thing is I am enjoying the hell out of it all!