My baby is now eleven years old. Yesterday, she celebrated blessing my life for eleven glorious years with hopes and wishes for too many more to count. Money is tight so gifts were minimal in comparison to the past, but they were filled with thought. I went and had lunch with her at school (she was supergrinning at me when I showed up), she got wicked cool cupcakes to share with her friends (too cute puppydog cupcake of her own), chicken and dumplin's made by momma, and the bumpits she has been asking for for months (why do kids want their hair to look like the 50's bouffants of the past?).

What she didn't get was a happy birthday from my STBXH. I don't think I will ever understand a person's ability to cut off a child that knew you as their father for almost 4 years and whom you had promised to adopt and love. It totally baffles me. I think it wouldn't confuse me so much if my children were crackheads, always in some sort of trouble, or caused problems. The truth is my children are none of those. They aren't perfect by no means. They can annoy you with the best of them, but they have awesome hearts and are really great kids. They all get either A's or B's, all are into activities in school, and all wear their hearts on their sleeves. To have someone treat them with such total disregard hurts like nothing ever could.

I once asked my STBXH to take my hope away so I could go on and let him go. He said he couldn't do that. Funny thing is, he did it and had no idea. The day he said he didn't want to be responsible and didn't want to be a father anymore was that day. It just took me awhile to realize it.

Well, so far this blog has focused primarily on the good things going on in my life. I sort of gloss over the bad and never really delve that far into it. This is something I am choosing to work on. Life isn't always a bed of roses. I am not always strong enough to handle things. Life for me at this point is really overwhelming. Now having said that, I will get through this. I have the faith in myself and my abilities to work through and get to a point of peace. It's just that right now, life just makes me feel as if I want to be a child again and not have to make decisions, be responsible, and I want to bury my head in the covers until everything is better again.

I don't like the idea that I am soon to be a divorced person. It makes me feel like a failure. Even though I know that I did everything I could to save it. Marriages are not made up of just one person. It takes two to make it work and it unfortunately only takes one to tear it apart. When I was a little girl, I had such a different vision of what my life was going to be like. Parts of my present life resemble that vision, but there are so many other things that I couldn't perceive happening to me when I was a child. Where's the white picket fence, wrap around porch, and my boobs in my oatmeal?

Seeing the suffering I have in the past few weeks has really had an impact on me. Two completely different stories, but both having people who touched me. I lost a patient who was very close to me. It was someone that I had had dreams of being her nurse when her time came and I was. It was someone that my STBXH had held me in his arms about on many occasions. When the time came for her to cease being in this world all I wanted was that comfort of those arms that had held me previously. I came home to an empty bed and no arms.

I've always said that we must have rainy days in order to appreciate the sun. All of these things that I am going through that hurt so much, are all things that I will get through and be better for having gone through them. It's just that the getting through at times feels so painstakingly breathtaking and soul crushing.

Life sometimes just is....

As you all can see, I've made a few changes to my lovely blog. I've added an awesome new banner designed and created by moi (I can fake speaking French!). Added a strip of my totally beautarific splentabulous face. And did a little moving around of stuff. Kinda sprucing up the joint if you will. I'm totally digging the new look and I hope all my devoted fans (all 3 or 4 of you LoL) do as well.

Life is a funny thing. Back in 2008, I honestly didn't think I would ever have as much change going on in my life as I did that year. That is what I get for thinking when I wasn't equipped for the job. The year 2009 has already had me changing so much about myself and how I live it is amazing me. I will be divorced shortly and I am not as devastated about it as I thought I would be, some familial relationships are gone (apparently defending your right to have feelings to a narcissist (try saying that if you have a lisp) is not a good thing!), friends that I let go of when I got involved with my soon-to-be-ex-husband and others that I have just recently met have proven to be loyal and are being my shoulders to lean on and my ears to listen (The list is long. I appreciate you all! You have no idea how much!), and my outlook on life has done a 180 for certain. I have made some decisions about what I will and what I will not accept from people I am in relationships with, be they friends, family, or more than friends.

I've made a list of goals that I plan to accomplish and have broken it down further. I am still going to school. I will have my BS in nursing (no snickering from the peanut gallery) at the end of 2010. I will be moving to Corpus Christi in 2011 (South Padre Island here I come-Sitting on the beach, drink, and book in hand-Gotta love it!). I am working on paying all of my debt off and am living a very financially structured existence. Something I have been trying to do for quite some time (The kids are learning that money isn't what shows them that I love them. A lesson we all needed to learn).

Bubba, Lizard, and Monkey start school today (Yep! it's back to the grind for them!). It's hard for me to believe that my children are growing up so fast. I can remember giving birth to each of them like it was just yesterday (OUCH! :) Wouldn't trade that pain for anything. It was totally worth it and I would do it again in a heartbeat if it meant I would have these three kids). They continue to make me proud on a daily basis just by being the phenomenal kids they are. I couldn't ask for children better than the three I am blessed with.

Lizard went on her very first "real" date! She and her friend Tyler went and saw

He paid for her ticket, so it was an actual date! My baby is growing up! Someone pinch me! She had a great time and they have plans to go out again Friday for another movie.

I'm excited because Bubba will be starting offensive tackle this year for the Raiders. Their first game is at home on August 20th. I can barely contain my excitement. I've even made a page for them on my facebook! I am such a dedicated fan! GO RAIDERS!!!

Time for my a$$ to get tucked snugly into bed. I'm hoping to work some OT tonight.

Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease!

*kisses*

 a$$alicious